The Year Project: 1999 Part 2


While consuming copious amounts of cable could unearth some underrated gems, it can also bring out some grade A crap that the cable channels think that they can program because nobody has any good taste anyway. Well thanks to this ethos, I have probably a very big and diverse list of worst movies released in 1999. Here are some terrible pieces of crap that I would suggest nobody ever sees ever ever ever.

10. Runaway Bride (dir. Garry Marshall)


In my opinion Garry Marshall has always been a hack that doesn’t deserve to make movies. He has an uncanny inability to craft believable characters and stick them in terrible situations. This movie is every woman’s wedding fantasy gone wrong. The protagonist (the Runaway Bride of the title) is a psycho and the reporter she falls in love with is just as bat shit crazy. They should both be locked up in a mental institution instead having a story crafted around them.

9. The Boondock Saints (dir. Troy Duffy)


I was first introduced to this movie by a moody cutter with an Irish ancestry. She reveled in the dark and twisted violence and the terrible tattoos on the two protagonists. She would spend whole periods marking these tattoos on her hands to mimic these iconic images. In my naiveté I thought that she and her frequent activity of drawing on herself was cool in a dark sort of way. (I have always been drawn to overly emotional freaks. I find them more interesting than a normal person) So when I finally saw the movie, I was baffled over her devotion to it. I found the pacing odd, the violence unnecessary and the themes of the movie troubling. But I assumed that I just didn’t get it. I revisited it a couple of years later and I realized that she just had bad taste. This movie is terrible. You should be ashamed of yourself if you ever ventured into Hot Topic and bought one of those green and black sweatshirts that had the movie’s logo on it. You were contributing to the unjust opinion that this movie is worth anybody’s time.

8. Blair Witch Project (dir. Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez)


This movie makes the list mainly because it is so overrated and because it’s success brought on the much hated found footage genre. It is not really all that interesting because we see nothing but these whiny teenagers for most of the running time crying into the camera. It isn’t scary or even remotely real. Since this movie came out, many horror movies use the same techniques to tell equally bad stories. I blame this movie for the terrible state mainstream horror is in right now.

7. Anywhere but Here (dir. Wang)


Poor Susan Sarandon. She is such a good actress, but she is completely stuck in romantic comedy/woman weepie hell. She is wasted in project like this one where she is the crazy mother who splits with her daughter to find fame and fortune in Beverly Hills. She acts circles around Natalie Portman who just sort of lays there like a wet blanket.

6. She’s All That (dir. Robert Iscove)


For such a bad movie, I have sure seen it a lot. Back in 1999, I was crazy for hunky movie stars and Freddie Prince Jr. was my kind of hunky movie star. I wanted him to make me over like he does Rachael Leigh Cook in this movie. But this movie does not live up to repeat viewings and mature sensibilities. What was once affable charm becomes sleazy doucheness and what was once romantic has taken on a sinister turn.

5. American Pie (dir. Weitz Brothers)


Do I even have to say anything about this movie? I hate this movie even more for the cultural osmosis that occurred around it than the movie itself. For years after its release, apple pie dick , and band camp masturbation jokes echoed through my high school hallway. Thanks a lot American Pie.

4. The Bachelor (dir. Gary Sinyor)


Again what was wrong with romantic comedies in the 1999? Apparently wanting to get married is the only thing that a woman ever wanted and they would go crazy for a man who has a fortune. So much so that thousands of women would chase this hunky dude down a busy street creating a sea of white gaudy garments. But he only has eyes for one woman… Buster Keaton did it better.

3. Double Jeopardy (dir. Bruce Beresford)


This boiler plate drama hinged unfairly on Ashley Judd’s inferior acting talents. While this movie could still be seen as a female fantasy (being able to murder your husband without having any consequences), it was too heavy-handed and annoying to carry any emotional stakes or weight.

2. Lost and Found (dir. Jeff Pollack)


Remember the good old times when people thought that David Spade could be a romantic lead instead of just a goofy sidekick? No? Well you are lucky than because you have not seen Lost and Found, a movie where the goofy and jerky David Spade can land an amazingly attractive model (with no acting talent whatsoever) just by being himself. Oh and it also has the classiest movie poster of all time.

1. The Ninth Gate (dir. Roman Polanski)


There was a time when I was determined to only watch Johnny Depp movies. This predilection that has led me down some terrible paths. This is one of the worst path I have ever been on. Maybe it was because I watched it on television, but this movie was a messy terrible piece of crap. I can’t believe someone like Polanski even touched it let alone let it get released with his name attached to it. Absolutely one of the worst movies I have seen ever.



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