Last Friday, I posted my ten favorite movies and why I liked them so much. This week, I am going to post my bottom ten and illustrate why these movies suck so hard and should be permanently wiped off the face of the earth and my memory. I am sure I will upset a few readers, but I take this in stride. If you have any additions or would like to contest any entry on here, please feel free to leave a comment. Angry or otherwise, comments are always appreciated.
10. Rush Hour (dir. Brett Ratner)
Before Mr. Ratner came out to the world as a complete douche, he was subtly hinting at his true nature with this paint by numbers action flick. Racist, sexist, and most importantly annoying for how many shitty catch phrases came out of this movie, I hope that future generations will be spared this monstrosity and its evil sequels. All we have to do it bust into New Line Cinema’s vaults and set it on fire. It would be worth it.
9. Meet the Deedles (dir. Steve Boyum)
I barely remember anything about this movie (which is why it is probably so low) except for the excoriating acting and the terrible surfing puns that are riddled throughout the movie. This wasn’t my type of movie even when I was younger, so I bet I was knocked out by a caveman, drug to his cave, tied up and forced to watch the movie on repeat until my brain became mush and I could no longer remember that night or that movie… Seems plausible right?
8. Stepmom (dir. Chris Columbus)
Just IMDbing this movie and glancing at the poster for it sends unwanted waves of revulsion towards this terrible flick. I was forced by my mother sappy love stories with her if I didn’t have anything better to do on a summer Saturday. She would sit there and cry as Susan Surandon (spoiler) slowly and painfully dies and I would roll my eyes and go get another bowl of ice cream. Anything to get away from this sappy mess.
7. Dr. Doolittle (dir. Betty Thomas)
Unfortunately due to my age, I remember Eddie Murphy not as the edgy comedian dressed in a red pleather suit or the comic genius in his eighties comedies, but as the not so edgy goofy man who seems to get into all sorts of wacky predicaments. For a long time, I refused to believe that Eddie Murphy was at one time a good comedian and actor. This movie probably had something to do with it.
6. The Parent Trap (dir. Nancy Meyers)
Ugh… This movie is burned into my brain from all of the times a babysitter decided this was only age appropriate movie to play to a group of ten-year olds. Every time this movie came on and I had no control over the remote, I wanted to shoot myself in the face. This movie is nothing but a convenience store sticky bun that has ultra sugary icing on top. When you first bite into it, you are overwhelmed by the sweetness of the icing and then as you journey through the bun you realize it is nothing but a bland bread mashed together to form a ball. My metaphors are quite amazing.
5. Practical Magic (dir. Griffin Dunne)
I had female classmates that were obsessed with this movie. I never completely understood why. They managed to take a really awesome thing (magic) and turn it into a boring, too dramatic mess. I fell asleep to this while at slumber parties way too many times to count.
4. What Dreams May Come (dir. Vincent Ward)
As a part of an initiative of my religion teacher to not really teach anything, he made us watch this movie and marvel at how well it depicted the after life. While visuals were stunning and the after life is truly disturbing, I felt very uncomfortable with the notion that someone who commits suicide is bound to suffer for all eternity. Also it was boring, slow and terribly acted. Robin Williams is capable of much better things.
3. Can’t Hardly Wait (dir. Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan)
For every 10 Things I Hate About You, there were five movies in the nineties that were unable to capture the teenage experience. Can’t Hardly Wait definitely fell into this category. It rested on stereotypes and terrible casting to get across its party all the time and I just want to get laid messages. I am so glad this type of movie is no longer made.
2. Great Expectations (dir. Alfonso Cuaron)
This was the movie that started my personal dislike of Gwyneth Paltrow (which I was indulging in long before it was cool, by the way). She was able to ruin one of my favorite female characters in fiction so completely that I want to stab her in wolf heart. Also modern updates to classic novels almost never work. Please, screenwriters and directors, remember this. Keep it period.
1. City of Angels (dir. Brad Silberling)
After watching the superb Wings of Desire, I came to revile this movie even more than I did before. The makers of this film were able to take a sweet story about love and loss and turn it into a melodramatic mess that ended up being one long music video for that terrible Goo Goo Dolls song. I spit on you City of Angels. You are gross.