Machine Girl

Do you ever receive a film by a friend that you know will be bad and pretend to see it so that they feel better about themselves? I do this all of the time, either it is a film I have watched before and I know is bad or it is a film that just isn’t for me. I admit it certain films just are not my bag. I can respect what is going on in them and sometimes I can even understand why they are important or some people see value in them, but I just hate them with a pure unadulterated hate. This is one of those films.

Maybe it was because I was not given the most expensive of DVDs and therefore had to suffer through a very bad dub, but this has got to be one of the worst films I have ever seen in my entire life. Mind you twenty-three with about thirteen of those years watching all of the sappy teenage girl movies that my peers liked and then nine years of pretty intense film watching. I would hazard that I have seen about a hundred absolutely horrid films. That is probably me underestimating a little. But despite all of those horrible films, which don’t include the so bad it is good genre, because it has the word good in the title, this film will stick out as a part of the top five films worse movies I have ever seen. Why would this person recommend I see it? Even more of an apt question would be why he would buy the film, see it enough times to know what the plot is and to like it (trust me for this guy… it takes multiple times for everything ) and then decide to GIVE it to me? This film is mine forever and all I want to do is snap it into small little pieces! mwhahahahahaha

Before I go on with my nonsensical ranting (I mean this guy was the sweetest man ever and he loved to talk to me about films and he gave some films that I now cherish… things like Beavis and Butthead and The Thing), I guess I should actually review the film. The film follows a girl who is inevitably in a school girl uniform who lost her brother in some yakuza fight. She goes on a bloody revenge quest for her brother but in the process the bad guys cut off her hand. So she fashions a machine gun artificial arm that can literally peel off the skin of someone’s head. She resumes her revenge getting until the revenge has been gotten. The dialogue is dubbed but even if it were it was still insanely bland and forced. At one point in a flashback where she and her brother are together, she references their parents’ death by saying “Now that our parents committed suicide because of a wrongful murder accusation, we have to stick together.” That is the first time you here about their parents and they are always referred to in context of the murder accusation throughout the whole film. The fight scenes are unrealistic in only the ways that anime can pull off unrealistic. It is some thing in an anime when someone machine guns someone’s face and the head sort disintegrates from the amount of bullets being shot at them, but in a world that looks and sounds a lot like ours, this is crazy. Take for a moment that a car mechanic would really know how to make a machine gun fake arm, do you honestly think that she would be able to lug around let alone keep the firing going without ever reloading? Do you think that maybe she would own one other outfit other than her basketball jersey and her school uniform? I know it is supposed to be sexy to look at this woman who is clearly not a high schooler although she plays one in this film in a such innocent garb, but come on could she at least get a tight-fitting exercise suit? I mean, come on already.

Each person in this film has a motivation that is spelled out within a few minutes of meeting them. The bad guy wants to be just like his dad of whom he drinks his blood in order to get stronger. One of her helpers wants to kick ass again, but is sidelined because of some bullshit reason. The brother is an innocent young pup who only strayed a little but has to pay the ultimate price for. Henchmen are angry meatheads, her schoolfellow is a stereotypical school girl, and her brother’s friend is a scaredy cat. None of the characters break out of their molds that they were forced into and none of them grow.

For some reason, anime pictures have rules of their own. They can be overly gory, have girls walk around in school uniforms all of the time, and have stereotypical characters without them being considered bad or stiff. I guess the striking visuals that most animators can create in a computer make up for the like of plot development and changes in the characters’ motivations. However live action films need to be rooted in some kind of reality even if it is not the reality of present day Earth. Just as long as the film can justify it as real, than the action is real. This film does not justify crap. I love this man as one of the best friends I can talk to about film, but you really missed the mark on this for me. Sorry buddy.


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